After working in the schools as a social worker and as a family special education counselor, I have noticed that there is a drastic change in the younger generation. I understand where it partly comes from. I was one of the women who fought for Women’s Liberation. We meant for it to bring equality in the workplace IF a woman chose or had to work. The equality I am talking about is being given the opportunity to work in a man’s field and receive the same pay and respect. Not all of us were out there to “find a man.”
What caused me to fight for equal rights was that I became a single parent of a 2-year son and I wanted to give us a good life without the help of having a husband to support us. I was the first-born and had been raised on a ranch. So I was expected to be able to do the work of a man. I worked cattle, fed horses, loaded feed, and did anything necessary to help out. So why couldn’t I hold a man’s job and get paid the “big bucks”?
I had a degree in accounting because a woman in my day only became a housewife, teacher, or office worker and was not able to make much money doing it. Not enough to support myself and a child, even with child support. Day care and my son’s medical bills took almost all of the child support. So I had to figure out what to do.
While many of my single-parent girlfriends were looking for a husband to help support them, I was trying to figure out a way to be independent, so I didn’t need a man. So I started fighting for women’s rights in the workplace.
It worked. I became the first woman oil and gas gauger working in the oilfield. I worked seven days per week while I worked as an accountant from 8 to 5. I put in an average of 12 to 16-hour days on Monday through Friday. It was not easy for several reasons. First of all, if my dad and brother had not believed in, trained, and supported me, I would not have been able to do it. (They were gaugers as well.) More than once, I overheard men stating that the only reason I did that work was to find a man. Believe me, that was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to make the good bucks and I did. And I always took my son with me to be able to spend time with him as well. I was juggling the roles of being a mom and a worker at the same time.
The reason I shared that with you is that was what we were fighting for in the Women’s Liberation Movement. But, unfortunately, it has turned into something else. Now it has raised our standard of living so high that women have to work. The children are being raised by daycare workers, babysitters, and nannies. They are learning the values of the other children and their caregivers, not their mom’s values.
After studying these and the effects of electronics on children, it is safe to say that our children are not learning our values but someone else’s. A child develops their individual personality within the first 4 years of their life. So a family has to decide whose values they want their child to have. When moms work fulltime jobs that do not have off when their children have off from school (like working in a school), they become burnt out and allow children’s behavior that would not be allowed if they were a fulltime mom. Yes, moms need a break from the children and the children need to learn social skills so it is important for children to attend daycare to get social skills about 2 days per week after the age of 2. That gives mom a break as well.
Being a parent is not easy. It never has been. But HAVING TO work outside the home adds more pressure upon raising children. Now men must help with the household and raising chores as well. We are no longer husbands and wives with our respective roles, we are now tired, overwhelmed partners. I am not advocating that women should not work outside the home. What I am advocating is for parents to instill their own values into their children.
Raise them to be productive, independent, Christian adults who respect authority, the rules of life, and others. Teach them that THEIR choices create THEIR lives. Role model the behaviors that you want your children to have. Create FAMILY or HOUSE rules. Do not rule based on whether you are an adult or a child in the home.
Make raising your children with YOUR values the most important job that God has given you. Remember that these children will be the ones responsible for your care when you age, and they will also be in control of your finances. They will be a future generation running this country. How will that look?
How to help your children become the type of adults you can depend upon, whether you work or not.
1. Teach them that every decision has 2 or more choices.
There is usually a good choice with a reward and a bad choice with a consequence. Teach them both and let them receive the reward or consequence based on THEIR choice. You are just the enforcer, not the dictator. They must learn to make decisions on their own.
2. Be consistent in rewarding or giving consequences to your child.
If you sometimes give a reward or consequence, the child will become confused. Then they will act out because they will not know what a rule is or not. So, when there are laws or rules for them to go by when you are not around, they will know what the response should be.
3. Have integrity. If you say you are going to reward or punish the child, follow through with what you said.
If you don’t, as with being consistent, the child will not trust what you say. Don’t threaten or make a promise and not follow through. Otherwise, the child cannot know whether to trust what you say. RESPECT IS EARNED, NOT GIVEN. IF YOU DO NOT GIVE RESPECT, YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE IT.
If you tell a child that they need to mow the lawn by the end of the day and then, if they choose not to do it, do not let them slide. Enforce the consequences that you had told them there would be. On the other hand, if they mow the yard, reward them for choosing to do what was asked. A reward could be anything that you agreed upon beforehand, such as allowing them to spend time with their friends.
4. Make sure that the same rules apply to everyone in the house.
Think about it. If you allow your son to use bad language, but you punish your daughter, you are sending a message that rules are different for boys than for girls. All the rules should apply to everyone no matter what their age is.
Shouldn’t everyone learn to pick up their own clothes? If each person doesn’t take responsibility, then who will wind up having to do it. That is not fair, and the child is not learning anything or how to be self-sufficient.
5. Make sure that both parents enforce the same rules in the same way.
United you stand, divided you fall. Otherwise, the children will play you one against the other. If mom always allows them to do what they’ll want, they’ll usually ask her first. This sometimes causes dad to get angry if he would not allow the behavior.
6. Role model the behaviors that you want your children to have.
Children will copy us sooner than they do what we tell them. If you want them to put down their cell phone when you are having a discussion, then you need to do the same when you’re having a discussion.
I want you to always remember that we cannot enforce rules that we break ourselves. Also, our children are always watching us and will copy what we do. That includes our behavior.
How to come up with a discipline plan that works in your home.
1. The parents meet and make a list of the rules and possible consequences and rewards that they would like to have in their home.
This should eliminate conflict in front of the children. If you must create a new rule, meet away from the children, discuss it, compromise, and write the decision down.
2. Have a family meeting with the children to go over the rules and allow them to have input on what the consequences or rewards should be.
Make sure that you show a united front, and the consequences and rewards will be applied the same to everyone. The only difference is that the length of time is based on the child’s age. In other words, if the consequence is a nose to the wall, then it is one minute for every year of age. If it is losing the use of their cell phone, then it is one day for every year of age. If their nose leaves the wall or if they repeat the bad behavior before they finish the time, the punishment time starts over.
Be sure to write down the family decision with the parents having the final say.
Always remember that there is no perfect parent. We all bring our own issues and past into our parenting style. The best way to make sure that you’re doing the best you can is by always doing a self-evaluation to determine what qualities of our parents we are using. There are some behaviors you may not want to repeat, but they are learned behaviors and usually come out when we’re stressed.
Always remember that each of your children has their own personality. Allow them to be themselves within your guidelines. You are just teaching them how to be successful in life. What they choose to do with what you taught them will be up to them once they’ve grown up and gone to live on their own. But remember that it is YOUR home with FAMILY or HOUSE rules. They apply forever because you want your grandchildren to obey them as well.
Teach your children that they always have choices and control their own lives within your guidelines. Your guidelines are to keep them safe and to create independent adults. All of our CHOICES MADE TODAY AFFECT MANY TOMORROWS. How will your choices affect future generations?
